I know that I must be patient. I know that this too is a time for expanding who I am and what kind of mother I will be to Bennett. I've often caught myself saying, "he'll never arrive!" But I know that this is not true and he will arrive when he's  good and ready to. 
Speaking with a friend last evening, she gently reiterated the two truths to me, 1. Italian boys/men have be kicked out of their homes due to the fact that they are such momma's boys and 2. he's safe, taken care of and protected in every way right now and there will never be a time like this. 
I love you, Bennett. I cannot wait to gaze upon your beautiful face with amazed and tear-filled eyes. We have so many adventures ahead of us and so many miles to walk together. 

Genius!

In an effort to hopefully make my infant an utter genius as well as artistically superior to all other three month olds, I've whipped up these gems. All of the other infant visual stimulation patterns seemed well... a bit bland and not very aesthetically appealing, and I think that I've accomplished my intended goal of integrating two very important tasks: creating dynamic nuggets of intelligence as well as satisfying my need to get my mind the fact that he's not here. I hope likes them :)

Your room is ready. All set with a bed to fall asleep in, fun toys to explore, clothes to keep your warm, books to expand your imagination.

Your home is awaiting. Filled with love, peace, calm and joy.

Your momma is patiently anticipating your arrival. She is ready to hold you when you are in need, kiss your sweet forehead, rock you to sleep, peek in on you at all hours of the day.

Life is ready for you. Come when you wish, little one of mine–whenever that may be. I will wait for you always, walk with you when you wish, love you from afar if you ask. Be it small or grand, whatever you need of me, I will always give you my all.

You are my son, and I, your momma. You have but to merely ask–for anything your heart desires.

35 weeks 3 days

I am THIS big!

You're Entitled...

To feel, think, act and perceive as you wish, desire, want and need. It is the job of the ones that truly love us to accept those choices.

I am thankful for the gracious people in my life who have supported me through this time and hope that the ones who have a bit more processing to do will find their way.

Today's Lesson

As I've stated before, pregnancy teaches you so many things. For the past couple of weeks I've found myself complaining more so than usual. Most of my gripes center around the physical difficulties of being pregnant and wanting to meet my Bennett. I knew that this time would come, as so many people have informed that time will come to a crawl as the expected due date creeps closer. To make matters slightly worse, though not too terrible, I feel as if I've loss the essence of "woman" and have been overcome by being seen as just a soon-to-be mother.

To combat this, I've made it my directive to do two things:
One, take every second that I am pregnant and find the awesome and let of and accept the not-so-easy aspects. I simply cannot hurry along time, so I might as well enjoy it! He'll be here before I know it, and he'll arrive when he's ready.

Two, spend time each day doing things that expand me as a woman, professional, individual and creative soul so that some day I'll be able to share that person with my Little One and that I'll be more to him than just his mom, but someone with interests, talents and gifts.

32 weeks 1 day

I want to blog more. Not necessarily for me, but so that I have some sort of record of what the heck is going on when I look back a couple years from now. 

What I have learned from being pregnant: 

1. Patience–it makes every milestone, from hitting that 1 ounce mark to the time that their little eyes open, all the more worth it. 
2. Humility–I dont know if it is out of the complete lack of control of everything (body, mind and hormones) or what, but no matter how you try to retain the life that you once had, pregnancy will overcome and soon you'll find yourself wearing yoga pants and flats rather than jeans and heals. 
3. You can('t) run but/& you can't hide–There comes a point when you can no longer hid that you are pregnant. Sometimes this comes in the form of running to the restroom every five minutes because you're so sick, and for the lucky ones (like me–and I am so very thankful!) when you start to show. You surrender that the little one inside of you is going to have their way and you're OK with that. Smile, and sigh. 
4. A greater purpose–well, duh, how could you not? You're growing a person! Not a plant, or one of those little foam dinosaurs that you place in hot water and watch expand, but a real life, living, breathing, human... well, person! 
5. Sacrificing–this just goes without saying. Absolutely every sacrifice, whether it be for your health or the little one's health or betterment, they are all absolutely worth it. And most often times, the changes we make, are actually things we should be doing anyways so it's a win win for everyone. 
6. Forced Calm–I know that it sounds funny, but you have to make yourself relax. There is too much to do and too much left unknown about having your first child that you get to the point where it is detrimental to your physical and emotional health to be thinking all of the time, so you find yourself self-imposing relaxation time for your own precious sanity. 
7. Priorities–also another lesson that goes without saying. You place everything on a sliding scale; some things matter more, some less. For us organizational, put-it-in-a-box type freaks it helps to categorize the stuffs, both big and small. 

I am sure that there are many, many more, but I think that's good for now. 

21 (weeks)

I love being an expectant Momma. Here are my top 21 reasons–one for every week I've experienced this wonderful feeling: 

1. Willing sacrificing my body for the life of another.
2. Feeling an enormous amount of responsibility to make both good choices for me and my Little One.
3. Preparing for baby.
4. Thinking about all the conversations we'll have and hearing his cute kiddo responses.
5. Pondering what I will pass on (good and bad) and what I will hold back.
6. How much like my mother I will be. 
7. Wondering if he'll be a Momma's boy.
8. My endless curiosity whether or not he'll have hair when he's born and what color it'll be.
9. Smiling for no particular reason.
10. Rubbing my tummy whenever I feel like it.
11. Talking to my Little One, both out loud and secret Momma to Boy talk.
12. Getting a better sense each and every day about who he is.
13. Pulling up my pants and tugging down at my shirt. I know that this seems like it would be a pain, but it's a small reminder that he's a growin' boy!
14. Checking my iPhone "What to Expect" app every week for a new fruit/baby-size comparison. 
15. Rubbing lotion and oil on my tummy.
16. Glowing.
17. Shopping for cute, yet non-maternity clothes. I'm not mentally there yet.
18. Listening to NPR and classical music in the car because I think that it'll help him appreciate what good journalism and music are when he's out and about. 
19. Eating ice cream slightly more frequently than normal...
20. Feeling him squirm around–his new knick-name is Punchy Paws :)
21. Seeing him figure out his digs by moving all about. Ever so often, when the stars align, I can see the little one moving around.

Oh, Little One, you are so love in such ridiculous amounts! Goodness, goodness, goodness :)

Dearest Little One,

There will be days that you doubt. You'll doubt your worth, inner strength, abilities, sanity, beauty and a multitude of other very valid aspects of your life. I do not know how doubt will manifest in your heart and soul, but for me, I just kinda shut down for a bit to figure it all out.

Please know that you can always come to me. I love you and there is nothing in this world that you should ever feel as if you have to hid from me, because whether or not I've been through it before, I'm here for you and would totally throw myself on a bee for you.

Your Momma

Secrets are hard to share when you love secrets as much as I do. I've always loved having secrets. Secrets about me, about others, what have you, I just adore the little buggers. Well, probably the biggest (or smallest) secret I've ever had has now been revealed to most of the pertinent parties involved–and I'm over the moon :)

I feel equally thrilled as well as blessed to know that we spend a third of our day with such caring group of people. I am starting to realize that there are few things in life that are as exciting, humbling and positively pure as the love that is shared when the news of new life is made known.

Jellybean, you are one lucky kiddo.

Waving the White Flag

So the little fetus squatting in my uterus and I had our first serious disagreement last night. I thought it was time for bed and JellyBean, well, had other plans. Instead of a nice, peaceful sleep, JellyBean decided to partner up with its new friend, other wise known as my digestive tract, and cause a whole bunch of unpleasantness in the form of a visually discernible mass moving through my lower torso at ≈3:00a. One and a half hours later, the time now being ≈4:30a, I was able to fall back asleep. Hours later I made my way out of bed, begrudgingly fell into some clothes and made my way into work bright and early at about 8:46a (ish).

BAM!!! Sneak attack! The army made up of JellyBean in conjunctions with its allies digestive track, hormones and last night's dinner caught up to me as a sit at my desk ready to tackle an unsurmountable pile of paperwork. I raised my white flag and retreated in the form of officially declaring today a "sick day."

You win, JellyBean. You've caused me to miss exactly 5.75 hours of work, but somehow I still love you. Now have some hot choco and revel in your victory.

P.S. Daddy told you to be nice to me. Capisce? 

virgin post to my pregnancy blog

Being pregnant has a funny way of making you feel as if you've joined the ranks of millions of women before you. There is comfort in knowing that while the shear mechanics of what will eventually happen are completely unfathomable right now, at least you know someone else has actually survived it and has a half-way normal life–well, as normal as life can be compared to your life prior to a child. However, there is a very lonely part of pregnancy. There are so many questions flying around in my overly hormone-laced brain right now. Some questions actually require me to take action on such as: what test should I have done? Do I have any risk factors that would possibly endanger the health of my little papoose? When is the right time to start thinking about what nursery motif I'd like? But there are other questions that are simply baffling AND have no answers–at least right now. For example: what will I do if my child hates me? What if they're a psychopath at the age of three? What if I cause it because i feed them the wrong type of mac and cheese?? The lonely part of pregnancy comes to light because you have no idea what questions are valid and what are just the result of a tired mind and body filled with fetus, retained fluids and massive amounts of hormones. 

In other news, Law and Order: Criminal Intent is the equivalent of spicy Italian food. Both are so very tempting, but wake me up in the middle of the night with the wrath of a thousand baby gates–damn, I hate those things.